big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
