i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
