If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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