i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
