Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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