I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
