i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
thus making me awesome and them whores
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
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Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
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His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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