I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
