I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
