wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
