she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
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There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
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Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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