FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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