sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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