I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
