I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
