theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
