I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
