so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
