in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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