Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
