I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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