those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
