so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
