Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
