So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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