Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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