Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
