Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
