I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
BRING THE BAGELS
Randomize
