3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
