so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
