I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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