After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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