allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
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I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm at about main and main street
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
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Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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