My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
