just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Randomize
