Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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