Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
