mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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