I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
