I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Let's get the cat blown out
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
