Someone shit on the floor
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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