Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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