I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Randomize
