If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
