he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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