we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Randomize
