i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
