i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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