the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
