I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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