I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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