Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Randomize
