i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
