just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
