Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
