my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
