i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
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Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
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