Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
