I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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